Twilight Review

*For those of you who have not read the Twilight series spoilers follow*

I read the Twilight series for a couple of reasons:

1. I wanted to know what all the hype was about.
2. My sister was reading them and I wanted to have something to talk to her about.

I love vampire books, maybe it’s the dark element of these immortal beings forced to stay out of the light and drink the blood of us mere mortals, more than likely it’s because they have sex all the time. :-p I had heard that Twilight was different and I knew lots of people that made fun of them but would all these women love the books if they were really that bad?

Yes. Yes they would. Have you ever watch Laguna Beach and been trapped unable to turn the channel because you are so amazed at how stupid the people are? That is what it was like to read those books. I’m not going to talk about the lack of structure in the writing or the limited vocabulary; I’m just going to complain about the story.

First, I want to know who the fuck gave this woman the right to re-write the mythology of vampires. Yes some things have always been altered by whoever was writing, like is it a virus or some sort of magical reason for malady, or do they get some sort of super powers, does silver hurt them. She made them sparkle when they are hit by sunlight. SPARKLE WTF?!? It’s also pretty much impossible to kill them unless you rip them limb from limb then burn them. Part of what I liked about vampires is the fact that you have a being that is so powerful but at the same time has several major weaknesses.

Second, her main lead was a weak little girl. Here’s a girl that is surrounded by supernatural men that want her for no apparent reason (unless the fact that she smells great is a good reason) and she lets them walk all over her. Edward dictates everything that she can and cannot do and she follows his orders. If she does break it she feels completely guilt ridden even though he has no just cause to give orders at all. All she ever thinks about is how much she loves him and she wants to be a vampire and be by his side forever. Who cares that she will never be able to have his child and that she will never be able to hang out with her best friend? Oh wait but she gets all of that. In the world of Twilight there are no undesirable consequences. So the question is why isn’t everyone a vampire?

Third, vampires, or at least the Cullen’s, are prudes. Edward is insistent that they not have sex until they are married. It’s ok for him to sleep in her bed and make out all night long but he won’t screw her till she’s trapped in holy matrimony and can’t back out when she finds out he’s got a tiny dick. He tells her about how awesome it is and how you can have sex for hours because you don’t need to sleep and you recoup really fast, but “oh no we can’t do it until that ring is on your finger.” The books are prudish not only on vampire book standards but on young adult book standards as well.

These books are terrible for many reasons and yet women (and I’m sure some men) love them. They have devoured these books and purchased so much merchandise that Wal-Mart actually has a dedicated section for Twilight. It is truly saddening and what’s worse is that I own all four of them.

Stephenie Meyer I want a refund.